I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
pop tarts are not kleenex
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
