I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Houston, we have a squirter
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
