That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize