Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
