i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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