so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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