She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
