I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
