There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
