I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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