Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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