True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
