I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
