i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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