You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
