Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
