We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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