Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
