shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize