haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
