dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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