I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it was like eating out sand paper
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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