sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize