FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
