Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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