Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize