Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
