i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
