i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
