once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
