i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
