I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
