I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
