I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
