I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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