smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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