I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize