I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
