i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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