Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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