Someone shit on the floor
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
