hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
