the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize