After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
