I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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