Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I pour the whiskey from now on
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize