you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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