my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
