Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
