Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
