i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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