I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize