She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
