Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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