So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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