32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
