After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
