that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
