I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
