Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
