Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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