she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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