Betty ford says i'm here all night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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