The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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