I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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