When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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