I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
