If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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